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  — CONTENTS —

  Introduction

  Author’s Note to the Reader

  Author’s Note About the Women Quoted in This Text

  1. Four Things

  2. The Culture of Marriage, Then and Now

  3. Patterns and Principles

  4. Maturity

  5. Decisiveness

  6. Consistency

  7. Strength

  8. On Being a Real Man

  9. A New Beginning . . . Beginning Today

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  — INTRODUCTION —

  As the longtime pastor of a big-city church, I’ve had a front-row seat, a privileged place from which to observe the intimate details and the inner lives of New Yorkers from every walk of life. Along the way, I’ve witnessed almost every situation—and shared every emotion—in the dictionary: indescribable joys, unspeakable tragedies, and just about everything in between.

  As men and women have come to me for spiritual counseling and practical advice over the years, I’ve identified familiar patterns of behavior that are repeated time and again. Although each person’s situation is unique, the behaviors—and the consequences that result from them—are remarkably consistent. Now after almost four decades of preaching, teaching, and counseling, I’ve condensed my observations into this book, which offers a simple system for understanding the ways that couples relate to each other inside marriage—and outside it.

  Why write this book now? Several reasons. The first reason has to do with men.

  Being a responsible male in modern America is a full-time job, and a tough one at that. Never before in the history of humankind have distractions been so plentiful and temptations so prevalent. Even well intentioned men can become caught up in seemingly “harmless” behaviors that can quickly turn destructive. So I’ve written this book to provide an organized system of thought for men concerning women. By the time you are done with this book (or this book is done with you), a new vision of manhood will have emerged. You will understand and appreciate a woman’s role in your life and how to bring out the best in every female relationship you might have. It will empower you to be a better husband for your wife, a better father for your daughter, a better brother for your sister, and so on. When a woman feels understood, it is easier for her to feel loved. When she feels loved, she is more inclined to give of herself in the relationship.

  The second reason I wrote this book is that women need a better understanding of the qualities to look for in a man. Society tells us that fame, power, appearance, and money are all-important, so women today naturally seek these traits in a man. But looks can be deceiving, and, as the old saying goes, “All that glitters is not gold.” On far too many occasions, I’ve seen women who thought their relationships were golden, only to find out later that they’d fallen for fool’s gold instead of the real thing. Ladies, this book will change how you look at yourself and how you choose the man to whom you are willing to commit your life. It can save you the heartache of choosing the wrong man for the wrong reasons. You will be empowered to know what you want, want what you know, and not settle for less. You will engage in less experimentation with men and greater decisiveness in choosing the right man. By investing time thinking now about the qualities you want in a man, you can avoid relationship disasters that can wound your heart and spirit. And those of you already married can improve your relationship now by developing the traits outlined in this book.

  A third reason I wrote this book has to do with the institution of marriage. In case you haven’t noticed, marriage is under attack from all sides. It’s my hope that this text can help couples navigate the stormy seas of modern matrimony by charting a course that’s ultimately pleasing to the Ultimate Pilot.

  Let me assure you this book is money and time well spent. Imagine if you had this information before that failed relationship. Well, it’s time to get smart about relationships, BEFORE you get going. You have in these pages the four essential things women want/need in a healthy relationship with a man.

  Enjoy!

  — AUTHOR’S NOTE —

  TO THE READER

  This book is intended as a guide for both men and women. In certain passages, I’ve taken the liberty of speaking directly to men (in order to inform, encourage, motivate, and provide direction). In other passages, I address women (to help them better understand the men they love). Consequently, as you read through this book you will sometimes encounter directives that are obviously intended for the opposite sex. Please don’t scan or skip these passages. Instead, read them carefully because they will, I trust, provide helpful insights.

  In building better relationships, it’s always worthwhile to see things from the other person’s point of view. By looking at things through your partner’s eyes, you can gain empathy for—and a greater understanding of—the wants and needs of your mate. The more you understand about your loved one—and the more clearly you can see things from his or her point of view—the better your relationship will be.

  So as you read the pages that follow, look carefully at the messages that are obviously intended for the opposite gender. These passages may contain nuggets of gold that you can use today, tomorrow, and for many years to come.

  — AUTHOR’S NOTE ABOUT —

  THE WOMEN QUOTED IN THIS TEXT

  In preparation for this book, I spoke with and received written responses from a number of women from various backgrounds. I am, of course, extremely grateful to all those who offered their assistance, their advice, and their insights.

  Below are brief biographical notes about each contributor. To preserve confidentiality, I have chosen to use only their first names and last initials.

  Allison C.: Italian, age thirty-one, married three years.

  Angie B.: Teacher, married eighteen years.

  Gail M.: Author, international speaker, married eighteen years, currently living in South Africa.

  Jackie P.: Successful CEO, mother.

  Kerry B.: Owns a successful business and is a homemaker, age fifty-four, married twenty-seven years.

  Ruthie S.: Scandinavian, lives in the Midwest, business owner and CFO, mother, wife.

  Sally P.: Chinese, age fifty-two, married twenty-five years.

  Vivian C.: The CEO of an international company, age fifty.

  — 1 —

  FOUR THINGS

  A man without an organized system of thought will always be at the mercy of a man who has one.

  —Edwin Louis Cole

  You live in a complicated world, a world filled to the brim with temptations, distractions, disruptions, and diversions. Here in the twenty-first century, it’s easier than ever to lose your way because there are so many ways to lose it. With so many outlets vying for your attention and your time, there’s scarcely a spare moment to organize your thoughts and prioritize your life.

  So, in the interest of making things as simple as possible, I’m going to give you an organized system of thought, a four-word formula that, if applied consistently, can help any man become a better man and a better husband.

  If you’re a man who genuinely wants to stay on the right path, nobody needs to tell you that there are countless opportunities to choose the wrong path. The devil, it seems, has a bigger toolkit than ever before, and he’s not afraid to use it. So it’s h
ard to be a godly guy in a temptation-filled world. Hard, but not impossible.

  To find the right path and stay on it, God wants four things from you, four character traits that can bring peace to your heart and happiness to your home. These four traits, when practiced regularly, have the power to transform boys (of any age) into men. But this book isn’t only for men; it’s also a book for the women who love them. So, if you’re a woman who’s trying to help your man reach his full potential, then you need to understand these four traits, too.

  You can think of these four things as an organized way of thinking and behaving based on rock-solid principles that are as true today as they were at the dawn of time, because they were established by the Creator:

  There are four things that God wants from a man: maturity, decisiveness, consistency, and strength.

  There are four things that a woman wants from a man: maturity, decisiveness, consistency, and strength.

  There are four things that a man struggles with in life: maturity, decisiveness, consistency, and strength.

  And, there’s an inherent tension between men and women that goes back to the Fall of Adam and Eve. That tension is based on a woman’s need for maturity, decisiveness, consistency, and strength from a man.

  On the pages that follow, I’ll discuss these four essential key traits; I’ll also explain why women want them and what men can do to develop them. But before we get started, let me share how I came to write this book. I suppose it began in 1953, in the country of my birth: Panama.

  My mother, Adelina Bernard, was a Panamanian sprinter who qualified for but did not compete in the 1952 Olympics. When I was four years old, my mom moved us to Brooklyn, New York. I grew up in “the ‘hood” without a father, and I spent much of my youth trying to resolve a crisis of identity.

  I was searching for my own identity.

  I was searching for male role models.

  And I was searching for God.

  From all my reading—and I read a lot—I concluded that God, truth, and reality were synonymous and that if I found one, the other two would be present.

  In the 1960s, America was in great social, political, cultural, and spiritual transition. I was socially conscious at an early age; I spent my teen years looking for identity in social movements. Looking for Black Identity and social reform, I landed in the Nation of Islam. After five years of being fully engaged in the Nation of Islam, God seized my heart on January 11, 1975, while attending a meeting led by Nicky Cruz, former leader of the notorious Mau Mau street gang. On that night, something deep and profound happened inside of me. I heard an inner voice that carved two statements on my heart: “I’m the God you’re looking for,” and “I and my Word are one.”

  It was not the institution of Christianity that attracted me; it was the person of Jesus Christ.

  This transformation God had on my heart changed me forever. The people in my life could tell something was different—especially one very special person. Karen and I had met in high school. She was the rule follower and I was the rebel. Thankfully, opposites did attract, and the bond of love created then has lasted almost forty years. Three months after I heard God’s voice, Karen also gave her life to Christ, and we began studying God’s Word together, a practice that continues today. We dated for three years and then married. That was forty-three years ago, during which time God has blessed us with seven sons and twenty-one grandchildren.

  “They say opposites attract, and I know a couple who prove it’s true. They are very different in many ways; however, their love for each other is so honest and pure that just being around them makes me smile. They were high school sweethearts who married young over forty years ago and have enjoyed triumphs, weathered storms, and remained true to God, true to themselves, and true to each other. It’s like watching harmony in action.”

  —JACKIE P.

  In 1978, Karen and I began a tiny ministry in our kitchen. The following year, I left a ten-year career in banking and entered the ministry full-time. Karen and I prayed constantly for our ministry, as did the small band of believers who composed our congregation. Those prayers must have worked because today our church, which sits on an eleven-and-a-half-acre campus in Brooklyn, has a registered membership of 37,000.

  After thirty-seven years of teaching, preaching, and counseling in the heart of one of the world’s most diverse cities, I’ve seen almost every kind of marital situation. I’ve seen blissfully happy couples, and I’ve seen profoundly sad ones. I’ve seen peaceful couples and belligerent couples. I’ve seen “perfect” marriages blow up overnight, and I’ve seen rocky relationships repaired overnight, too.

  Along the way, I’ve come to understand the patterns and principles that, when applied day in and day out, make marriages work. I’ve also observed the patterns of behavior that are almost certain to destroy any loving relationship. This book will help readers recognize the good patterns and avoid the bad ones.

  The Scripture 1 Peter 3:7 teaches husbands to “treat your wife with understanding,” (NLT), but most men don’t do this naturally. Most men simply aren’t hardwired to be keen observers of their wives; they often miss obvious signs that could have helped them avoid headaches and heartbreaks had those warnings been heeded early on. So, I’ve written this book for men to help them better understand themselves and their wives.

  Women, on the other hand, are very keen observers. They understand their husbands’ patterns; they understand the ways their men are likely to behave in any given situation. Wives know their husbands better than anyone—other than God, of course—does. But often, women don’t understand themselves as well as they understand their men. So I’ve also written this book for women, to help them understand themselves better, understand their men better, and understand their marriages better.

  Women dream of men in the ideal but marry the real.

  —EDWIN LOUIS COLE

  After almost four decades as a pastor and counselor, I’ve learned that the old adage “There’s nothing new under the sun” applies to men, women, and relationships. The way Adam related to Eve—and vice versa—has much to teach us about the way men and women interact today.

  Adam was employed (by God) before he was married. And so it was that the very first man had the very first job: Adam tended God’s garden (Genesis 2:15).

  As a working man with few distractions, Adam obviously took his career seriously. In time, God entrusted him with a second job: naming the animals. Picture Adam putting in long hours in the Garden of Eden, and working two jobs with no woman in sight. No wonder he became focused on his career!

  Since Adam had his work before he had his wife, he was a man on a mission. It’s no surprise then that men today still tend to identify themselves with their work. And it shouldn’t be shocking to any of us that guys are still “mission minded.”

  There was a time in my life, marriage, and ministry when I was guilty of the sin of transposition. My priorities were seriously out of order. It was 1984 and almost the end of my marriage. The problem was simply found in my priorities, or wrong priorities: ministry (career) first, then people, then my family.

  It led to the greatest stress Karen and I have ever experienced. She miscarried a set of twins, I withdrew, and the distance between us became very great. Karen will tell you that her heart became bitter toward me and her competition: the ministry. A man’s wife should never have to compete with his career for his time and affection. But at the time, I was a man on a mission, sanctioned by God. Everyone had to understand, especially my wife and children. But what I failed to see then was that they were the test of my ministry. If I couldn’t pastor my home by being a good leader, husband, and father, how could I pastor a congregation? It actually took a year for me to sort this out.

  By March 1985, I found myself in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas, waiting to attend a pastors’ conference at Prestonwood Baptist Church. In a moment of time, I felt the full weight of responsibility for the condition of my marriage land on my shoul
ders. After wiping away the tears, I called Karen and asked her forgiveness. I explained that I was fully responsible for the condition of things between us. The hurt and bitterness in her shrugged off my apologies. But it didn’t matter; I needed this change, regardless of her acceptance of its legitimacy. This was one of those inner-voice moments: “Deepen your relationship with your wife, and I’ll broaden your ministry.”

  It was there that I began my journey to understand her role in my life and work. She was my support system, my accountability factor, and my “personal brand” protector! I was stifling her greatest value to me! She needed to know that I valued her and her input in my life and work. I needed to affirm her role. It took a crisis, but I got it. Did she forgive me? Well, that was a process, and a lot took place during the process. The details are revolutionary, but we’ll discuss them in the next chapter.

  God created Eve to help Adam (Genesis 2:18). Today, women still desperately want to help their men. But men, being mission minded to the point of stubbornness, often misinterpret their wives’ efforts. What the woman believes to be much-need assistance, the man perceives to be much-dreaded nagging. And when the wires of marital communication get crossed, it’s only a matter of time until sparks begin to fly—and not the good kind, either.

  So what’s the solution? I’m glad you asked. The solution comes when both husbands and wives gain a better understanding of the values, the patterns, and the principles that form the basis for a successful marriage. The solution comes when couples employ an organized system that guides their words, thoughts, motives, actions, and attitudes. And the solution comes when men exhibit four traits that are pleasing to God as well as to their wives.

  Perhaps you’re a married person who wants to improve your communication at home. Or maybe you’re a single person who’s thinking seriously about marriage. Or perhaps you’re simply an inquisitive single who wants to learn more about the institution of marriage. Whatever your status, the concepts on these pages have the power to transform your life. And I pray that they will. I’ve seen them work in many others’ hearts.